I have a bad habit. Among my bad habits of others, a habit that most bother me. My smoking habits is truly acute. I can spend two packets a day. It's disgusting isn't it? I tried doing a variety of ways to stop those bad habit. I've even tried method of the Emotional Freedom Technique, or better known as EFT, a healing method, which was introduced and popularized by Gary Craig, a graduate of Mechanical Engineering Department of Stanford University.
But still as if it becomes a permanent habit. And it is getting worse and worse. Cognitively, I know that smoking is unhealthy and a wasting money. Affectively, I also feel uncomfortable, upset and annoyed with this persistent bad habits. But I do it almost all the time. I do it almost without thinking at all. Start of taking a cigarette from its packaging, turn it with pleasure, and I begin smoking.
Gary Craig likes to do cramming on his patients. He raved anything while tapping on some acupuncture points on the meridians of the body. I'll do that principle right now, do cramming myself. I want to remember, is there an event that has been buried in my subconscious so I have that annoying habit? A method of self-psychoanalyze. I just do not know how the next step after those. I have no knowledge of psychotherapy as well. I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist.
I remember two things in my past I recognize as a reason why I am become an active smoker now. The first is very hard due to the conflict with my passed away father. I wanted to show him, that if this how you had taught me, I can also be a naughty child. Smoking is the way I choose. The second matter was rather long, and it requires great effort to remember. Frankly it actually make me discomfort and painful.
I will remember it for a second. Even feels sore at heart. Perhaps it is a consequence of psychoanalysis who do this on a small scale. It would be unfair to convict that such a case caused my smoking habit. My conflict with my father have major stakes anyway. I could be stuck in a reductio ad absurdum in this writing. But since this is a short essay and not a scientific paper, then I will take that risk.
It should also be noted that I have my own responsibility about my smoking habit. No people to be blame about. I choose to smoke, and it was done with a conscious choice. I hope this writing as the first step of the struggle to break away from dependency on cigarettes. I do not want to be a slave of cigarettes forever.
The incident started when I graduated from SMAN 5 Malang, and received in UB's Medical Faculty. Briefly friends, .. my hands started shaking and I was a little dizzy. I need to leave the house briefly to take a breath of fresh air before returning to write.
Well, ... I move back ... As the tradition at that time, each new student is required to attend P4 upgrading actually before following actual lectures. P4 was an indoctrination of our nations' ideology. Similarly, I am no exception. I follow the upgrading held at the UB Medical Faculty for two weeks.
In the early days during the upgrading I met a beautiful girl. She asked me to sit next to her after our brief conversation. Immediately, I agree. I took my bag and move it from where I sat next to her seat. The next session and subsequent sessions I always end up in the position next to the girl. Frankly, I enjoy the smell of her, I know she does not wear perfume at the moment. If we were all exhausted and late in the afternoon, the smell was more so, and I enjoy it more.
The days passed since the P4 Upgrading, and we are becoming increasingly familiar. I asked her, what requirements to be her boyfriend? She said, "Do not smoke". So simple as that ?, I thought. I myself did not become a smoker at the time. The beginning of the study at the Faculty of Medicine.
The longer I am increasingly aware that I really love her. We were inseparable as if at the beginning of the lecture. I ever ask her why she entered the Medical Faculty, and she replied with a long story. It turned out that she was suffering from asthma since childhood, and his doctors incidentally is a good doctor. He impressed with his doctors were and wanted to be a doctor anyway.
At about the end of the second month in college, I was provoked by a friend of mine. I didn't remember again what had he had provoked to me... .something like I had no self-esteem and become the servant of a woman. I just remember that he told me to say something on that to my girl. Something that would make me look more dignified in front of all my friends. No longer appears as a servant of a girl.
Calm down, ... calm down, ... .I need time to write again. My head dizzy. Looks like I was overpowered by anger. And I need time to calm down again.
This is the toughest part for me remedy write. I did exactly what he said. And she was furious. It took that long for me to no longer blame Haidar and see it as a personal my responsibility. I was just provoked, and if I could think clearly enough at the time, of course I do not need to be ingested provocation. Indeed, it is my responsibility personally. No one to blame in the incident, especially the girl, she is just a victim of my dullness.
After that our relationship was broken down. And that's happening when a young man from Mojokerto coming closer to her. He's my friends also. I just looked at their relationship that is coming closer and closer sadly. The girl even fetch college textbooks which were distributed for him. He do not have to take it on the lecturer's table. Something that I used to do for her. It feels sore ...
I thought that I became mad. I did an unnecessary silliness again. I did things which were forbidden by the girl. One morning before course, I came early on the morning. I bought a cigarette with a match as well. Friends began to arrive. I'm still patiently waiting until the girl came. The girl actually came, she was a diligent student. As soon as I saw it at the front door, .. I turned my cigarettes. I want her to see it. I smoked whitefly and strangely I was not coughing. She was shocked. She looked at me with wide-eyed, stopped briefly steps. Finally, she went a not care step and sat next to her new boyfriend.
Chaos of chaos began to happen in my life. At that time I had almost no friends to share the grief, but a friend named Mahsun Muhammadi, and three seniors named Ali Mahsun, Warih Tjahyono and Ahmad Khotib. They tried to revive my spirit that arise and sink. But I was too soluble in sadness, I went into a real depressive phase.
I'm not really trying to improve my relationship with the girl. I kept apologizing to her. Even once I'd gone home only to convey regret and request my apology. I know, ... she will never truly forgive me.
I even sent a letter to my Uncle, who was studying at Louisiana State University in the United States to buy me a birthday greeting card made and purchased in the United States. Letter of birthday greetings made by Harvest really came two months later. I put and waited patiently for his birthday.
At the date of August 14, her birthday, I bring the letter to her home. I said it is a letter as it in the form of a letter instead of a card. It is very unique. I'm sure once we couldn't have something like that onMalang or Surabaya. I write with caution in the letter, LIFE BEGINS AT FORTY, a very famous saying in English. Then carefully lining FORTY word with two distinct line. Then I changed those word with TWENTY behind. She was a year older than me. So I smoked from the age of nineteen years.
When I studied at the University of Gadjah Mada, I've sent her once a letter. But the letter was not respected. I cannot forget the first three semesters at GMU. Often I wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. I ever like jerked from sleep and shouted his name. Sweat dripping from my body ... and I was shaking. At the moment I entered the phase of severe Melancholia.
Maybe it used to be for me to tell at this point. For me, it has a smoking .. disease, .. I'm looking for taht, roughly what is done by a psychologist or psychiatrist after psychoanalysis session ends. Maybe do a reframing, I do not know. Perhaps the easiest way is to immediately go for help. As social beings, humans can not live alone, ...
pict by Emile Seno Aji